Kev's Column: Tolerance

Tolerance

We live in a fairly homogeneous area of the country. That is to say, with just a few exceptions, we are all pretty much the same. We go to work and school with people who are very similar to us. We play hockey and go to movies with people who are in the same life-stage as ourselves. I’m sure, if we were to do a demographics study, that the majority of people reading this are middle-class, Caucasian, high-school graduated individuals. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is the same in every region of the world. Even in multicultural cities like New York, Toronto and London, like finds like and ethnic neighboods spring up. In biblical times, the people of the world were divided into tribes and were recognized by what they did, what they looked like, and what language they spoke. Sociologists will tell you these communities offer safety and security. They instill in our children a sense of belonging and provide a social fabric for us all to thrive. I’m cool with that. But what happens when someone very different than us is plopped in the middle of our safe community. Do we welcome them, with all their uniqueness and differences, into the bubble of familiarity we’ve created? Do we, slowly and quietly, set about on a campaign to change them into who we would like them to be? Do we ignore them and hope that someone else will welcome them and accept them? Or do we actively reject them as someone who doesn’t fit in? Doesn’t “belong”?

I’m not even talking about race or religion here. I’m talking about people who are different in even subtler ways, almost imperceptible. I’m talking about the family in our church that can’t afford new clothes and may look a little ragged on Sundays (not knowing that the husband was laid off over 6 months ago and cannot find work). I’m talking about the older gentleman we avoid because of his smell (not knowing that stepping in a bathtub and reaching to wash himself is a painful chore). I’m talking about, and this one is close to my heart, the 23-year old woman that you know recently graduated from a Girls’ Home, so therefore must have serious problems and is probably not a great influence on your children, right? (Of course you have no way of knowing that she was in the Home because of some serious abuse inflicted on her as a child).

A wise man once said to me, and I’ve never forgotten it, that when we judge other people, even remotely, we are saying to God, “I don’t like the way you made him. I think, honestly, I could’ve done a better job.” If this sounds implausible, listen to this: in a recent survey of 931 self-designated Christians in Britain, 37%, when asked, said they would do a better job than God of presiding over a just and righteous universe.

37%! Can you believe it? I can. If, by my actions, I am constantly criticizing others, refusing to accept their differences and making judgments I am complaining to God and questioning His creative choices, then, yes, I can believe it. If we (and I’m including myself here) want the world to be safer, healthier and “ better” for our children and grandchildren, it’s time we stopped playing “God” and prayed for tolerance beyond that which we find natural.

©2006 Kevin Stenhouse

Kevin Stenhouse is Executive Director of New Life Girls’ Home in Consecon, a ministry providing a safe place for young women coming out of addictive or abusive lifestyles.

Kev's Column: Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves & Complaining

I was in a staff meeting at the New Life Girls’ Home recently and we were lamenting about a recent rough period we’d all come through. Just to blow off steam, I suggested we all list our “pet peeves”. Now, while they were specific to our jobs, I was amazed at how easily the words flowed.

Very little thought needed to be put into each person’s list of the most annoying things. What’s even more amazing is that this is not a group of complaining people. The staff out at the Home is accustomed to rolling with the punches and facing every situation with vigor and energy. But still, they knew what little things annoy them and took great pleasure in the opportunity to share the list.

So... if I were to ask you what your pet peeve list is, what would you say? Slow drivers? Long checkout lines? The impossible to open packaging on CDs? Summer road construction? Shopping carts left loose in the parking lot?

We all have a list. Things bother us – little things. Little niggly, annoying things. I’m not talking about the major complaints: the price of gas, the cold in winter and heat in summer, the government's position on a specific issue. I’m talking about the little “fly in the ointment” annoyances.

For me, I’ve got a few pet peeves that always come up: tall people sitting in front of you. Is it a hard principle to remember: Short people in front – tall people in back. Another pet peeve of mine would be the kids leaving lights on throughout the house. Or how about this one: radio stations that don’t let you know the name of the song that was just played? How are we supposed to run out and buy the CD if we don’t know who was just singing?

So what do we do with all these pet peeves? Well, for some of us they’re not really a big deal – they don’t consume us or fill us with rage. They really are like little insects buzzing about our face. We should, however, treat them the same way, swat them away and move on. For others, an annoying thing like a pet peeve can take root and lead to a serious atmosphere of complaining. And that my friend, is not a pretty sight. If you’re a Christian, let’s call it what it is: sin. The Bible says, in Philippians 2: “In everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing... You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God... Let your lives shine brightly before them.” If you are not a Christian, and are still trying to figure out where you’re at with this whole “relationship with God” thing, let me tell you this: complaining is unpleasant. It says to other people: my opinion must be shared and you must listen to it. Sounds kind of selfish, eh?

Let me leave you with this short poem by James Whitcomb Riley:

It is no use to grumble and complain;
It's just as cheap and easy to rejoice;
When God sorts out the weather and sends rain -
Why, rain's my choice.

© 2006 Kevin Stenhouse

Kevin Stenhouse is Executive Director of New Life Girls’ Home in Consecon, a ministry providing a safe place for young women coming out of addictive or abusive lifestyles.

Kev's Column: It's Not About Me

When I sat down to think about what to write for this column, it came to me clear as day. I knew right away what I should share. Of course, sitting down and actually putting thought to paper hasn’t proved as easy. My fear (or, at least, my hesitation) is that my words will label me a “liberal” or “watered-down”. Anyone who knows me well (or, for that matter, anyone who has ever met me) knows that I pretty much say exactly what’s in my brain. The filter that everyone has that regulates one’s brain contents from flowing out of one’s mouth, well, doesn’t exist in my head. Sometimes this gets me in trouble and sometimes it’s refreshing. I fear this is one of those times when it’s going to get me in trouble. Oh well, time to shake things up a little bit. Are you ready for it? Here it is:

Christians: stop imposing your world view on people whose view is different than yours.

Radical? Maybe, but hear me out. If you are a mission-minded person, or “evangelical” in nature (as I am) we have been trained to believe that our views are right and must be shared as loudly and as frequently as possible to all who are within earshot. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship I have with my Lord is something I truly want other people to experience. What I have a hard time with is how can I communicate this in a way that esteems the person I am talking to you and actually shows respect for their different world view? Let me give a quick illustration. I love wine gums (or, as I like to call them, “God Candy”). If I were to meet someone on the street who has never had a wine gum, and actually has never eaten candy, how can I share with them how amazing they are? How the flavours are completely different than the usual artificial flavours fed to us in every other sweet confection? How the texture is a cross between chewy and melt-in-your-mouth? From that person’s perspective, they are happy with their own food and see no need for wine gums. How can I get them to experience this new candy? Why won’t they understand that this candy is better than anything else they’ve ever tasted?

When I first met my wife, over 16 years ago, she introduced me to a new word: PARADIGM. The dictionary defines paradigm as “a set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them”. Karen was hooked into a community of people who were determined to share the good news of Christ in a way that honored the paradigm of the people they were reaching. If it was an intellectual crowd, then reason, discussion, debating & philosophy formed the foundation for their evangelism. If it was an artistic crowd, where “acceptance and free-thinking” was almost a mantra, then perhaps an overt discussion on sin & condemnation might not have been the most effective route to establishing friendships. I was so impressed with this crowd (and my future wife) for their desire to build authentic friendships based on the interests of others, not themselves. And you know what? It worked! People who had, for so long, been burned by the judgementalism associated with “Bible thumpers”, now began to seek out what this group of Christians had.

Steven Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, understood the power of paradigm. His fifth habit is: seek first to understand, then to be understood. Covey wrote this book mostly for leadership development in the business world, but Christians can learn a lot from this habit (and it is a habit: it’s gonna take some work!).

So, yes, I want to see my neighbours and friends experience the most out of a walk with Jesus Christ – but I’m convinced I will be more effective if I can build a relationship with them based on understanding the paradigm they come from and what makes them who they are. After all, it’s not really about me. Unless you’re talking about wine gums, then, well, you really should try them just ‘cuz I say so!

Kev's Column: Living Life in Reverse (date unknown)

Living Life In Reverse

We all have instances in our past that we can describe as “life-changing”. Moments in time that we can look back on as pivotal events that would redefine who we are. Sometimes they are tragic. Sometimes joyful. They are not a common occurrence – in fact, their uniqueness is what makes them powerful.

I look back on a relatively short life and can remember just a few truly “life-changing” moments: the day I stopped running from God and accepted that I really can’t do it all on my own, the moment I first laid eyes on my wife, the successful job interview that would eventually move my family to the US, the birth of my three children and, sadly, the deaths of many friends on September 11, just a few years ago. I list these events for a reason, not just so you could get to know me better.

During a conversation with a man I look up to, I was recently challenged to live my life in reverse. That doesn’t mean to back up and re-do my life. It means: live today as if I could see what consequences my decisions, words and actions will have for years to come. It’s an interesting thought, eh? I have no idea what will happen two months from now, a year from now, ten years from now. But, given all my responsibilities and the people in my life today, it is a safe bet that my actions and my words will affect the futures of the people around me. For some, it may be insignificant. For others, the decisions I make today: how I choose to react to their behaviour, what words I share with them; all these factors will speak volumes into their lives for
years to come. This may be a huge responsibility, but it is also a huge blessing.

As I look at my children and see daily in them how God is raising them up in obedience and valor, I am awe-struck that God would allow me to play a part in raising them up. Lord, help me live my life, as a parent, in reverse. I’ve only been married for 14 years, so I don’t speak from a wealth of knowledge here, but I do know that I have not always, through my words and actions, been a model husband. Lord, help me live my life, as a husband, in reverse. In my what You’ve called me to do in this world, Lord, as I reach out and extend grace and healing to the hurting people you put me in contact with, help me live my life in reverse.

If, when you reach the end of your life, you could look back in a mirror and see the consequences of all your actions, words and decisions, what would you like to see? If you don’t ask yourself that question now, you leave much to folly and whim. I believe we should all take up the challenge and live our life with intention: not what we do, but how we do it. Live your life in reverse: it’s the only successful way to go forward.

copyright 2006 Kevin Stenhouse

Kevin Stenhouse is Executive Director of New Life Girls’ Home in Consecon, a ministry providing a safe place for young women coming out of addictive or abusive lifestyles.

Kev's Column: Who is the Lord of Your Past?

Who is the Lord of Your Past?

I haven't lived a charmed life. I have many experiences in my past that are unpleasant, regrettable and shame-filled. I have (like most of the people reading this) lied, cheated and stolen. I have hurt people (especially with my words) and I have been hurt.

When I was a boy I mocked and teased and bullied. As a teenager I lashed out at my folks and rebelled in some pretty unpleasant ways. I have not always been the model husband and the most patient father. In my ministry I haven't always "practiced what I preached" and, even today, I fall back into habits that were cultivated 10, 20, even 30 years ago.

I don't want to paint the picture that I'm a horrible person. You won't find bodies in my basement or secret files buried in my backyard. I haven't left a trail of wounded relationships or been convicted of any major crimes (well, I guess it depends on what you consider major ... just kidding!). But I do want to be really honest; the crud that you've gone through, I've gone through too.

Here's why I bring this up: I've been thinking a lot lately about how what I've done in the past still affects me today. I do my best to live an upright life today. For the most part I don't have the "issues" that I had as a teenager. Ninety-nine per cent of the time I'm able to keep my temper under control. All that being said, every now and then I'll behave in a certain way, or think a certain thought, and it'll strike me that that is just the way I would've behaved/thought when I was eight years old ... or 16 ... or 22. What's with that? I thought, as a Christian, "all things become new"? I thought that God would give me "the desires of my heart"? How come I'm still "haunted" (too strong of a word, but you know what I mean) by things that happened all those years ago?

Then it struck me: we spend all this time praying for God to help us with something we're dealing with right now (the present) and for God to give us peace/wisdom/patience about something coming up (the future). But how often do we acknowledge that He has the power over what is in our past?

One of my favourite recording artists, Bob Bennett, wrote a song called, appropriately, Lord Of The Past:

"Lord of the here and now, Lord of the "come what may"
I want to believe somehow that you can heal these wounds of yesterday
(You can redeem these things so far away)
So now I'm asking You, do what You want to do
Be the Lord of the past, oh how I want You to be
the Lord of the past."

This song sums up exactly what I've been feeling these last few weeks.

Are you tired of carrying the baggage of mistakes or experiences that you wish had never happened? Give it up -- let God be EVERYTHING that He promised to be ... including the Lord of your past!

© 2006 Kevin Stenhouse

The County Weekly News Friday, September 8, 2006